Sunday, May 19, 2013

Long time no post...

First of all, I would just like to apologize to my readers, if I still actually have any. the last few months have flown by and I suppose that is a good thing with Kevin gone. I'm not going to lie and say that it's all been wonderful because it hasn't. I don't know how I lasted a year last deployment because its only been 6 months and I'm about to lose my mind. I'm thankful that I got away for nearly a month and went back to Illinois. I was ready and anxious to come back to Washington and now I am just waiting for Kevin to come home. I haven't heard from Kevin and nearly 10 days and its driving me absolutely nuts. I find myself just stopping to pray for his safety.I feel like I have a constant knot in my stomach.  All I want to do is just hear his voice. my nights are sleepless because I'm constantly waking up checking my phone. every email that comes through I pray that it's him, everything Facebook notifications everytime my phone rings I just pray that it's something from him and it hasn't been yet. they always say that no news is good news. As long as you aren't getting a phone call saying he's injured or notification officers aren't at your door and everything is fine.. I just wish it was that easy. I know I should place it all on God heart just hurts I just miss my best friend.
In all honesty my distance from the blog has been because I don't want to feel like I'm complaining and I don't want a pity party. its not what I'm looking for but this is my real life and this is what I'm feeling. some say that I'm strong and they don't know how I do it. I do it because I married Kevin. I didn't marry the Army. It just comes with the package. We adjust to make our life the way it is as would any of you if in this situation. You would do it and you could do it. I am nothing special. there are many more men and women out there with far greater trouble than what I have. I have to constantly remind myself of that. all I'm asking of you is that you continue to pray for us. pray for Kevin and that he is returning home safely very soon.

Friday, February 8, 2013


I fed my kids cookie dough, garlic bread and cheese sticks for supper and sat them in front of the t.v. all evening. 

I have no excuse except that tonight I just didn't really care. 
The end.  Have a great weekend! 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Holding on

I hold on to every photo that I see of him on Facebook.
I hold on to every time I see the green dot telling me he's available to chat. 
I hold on to every time my phone rings and it says "Kevin Afghanistan"
I hold on to every "I love you, baby"

Tonight I was putting away clothes in our dresser and I realized. I haven't even opened his side of the dresser since he left in November.  So I did.  And with it I opened up the flood gates of tears.  Everything is right as it was when he left.  His underwear and socks fully stocked because I'm not having to play catch up with his laundry too.  Everything is ready for him to be home.  Where he belongs. 

We started dating in Jan. 2007.   So we have been together around 6 years.  That is  73 months.  We have physically only been together for  38 months of that.   A little over 50% of the last 6 years.  3 years that we have been apart. 
I think God prepared us for this way back in 2007.  We started our relationship and grew our relationship solely on communication.  Phone calls, emails, instant messenger.  We were tired of that life.  We were tired of being apart.  We got married in Nov. 2008 and at this time Kevin was out of Active Duty and was part of the Minnesota National Guard.  A few months later we found out we were pregnant with Lauren. Lauren was born in August 2009.  Kevin decided that year to go back to Active Duty.  He wanted to provide better for our family.  We prayed a lot about it.  It was hard for me to accept.  I would have to leave the first job that I absolutely loved in Minnesota.  I loved being a dental hygienist.
January2010:  A month after Kevin signed his contract to re-enlist, we found out we were pregnant with Kaelin. What were we going to do? Lauren was only 4 months old!  Kevin left a week later for Ft. Riley, KS.  I was in Minnesota without him,  with a 4 month old baby, just a few weeks pregnant (in secret still), finishing off my last week of work, arranging appointments with movers, getting everything ready and off and on puking ...again in secret.  We were apart about 2 weeks then.  We got to Ft. Riley, moved into a house that he picked out and I had never seen. We sat on the floor and slept on air mattresses for a couple of days until the moving truck arrived with all of our belongings.  We were told he wouldn't be deploying.  The unit he was joining had only been home for 4 short months. I felt like I could breath a sigh of relief.  The next few months flew by.  I learned that Kevin was on Army time.  Supper time was not at 5:30 every night.  Supper was when he got home and that was 6pm, 8pm, 10pm or not at all.  I saw him for a few short hours every evening and then he was off to bed early because 4:30am comes quite early.
We found out in June that he would be deploying to Iraq in November 2010 for 12 months.  In August of 2010 he left for a month to do training in Louisiana.  He arrived home 3 days before I gave birth to Kaelin.  When Kaelin was 7 weeks old and Lauren 14 months, we sent Kevin off with his unit to fight in Operation New Dawn formerly known as Operation Iraqi Freedom.  This was Kevin's second deployment.  His first was before we were married.  It was also to Iraq for 16 months. 
Praising God that he came home safe to us.  Praising God for the technology that we have today that we could chat.  It was a slow deployment, or so he told me.  They didn't do much but prepare for the troop drawdown.  They closed a lot of bases, did a lot of inventory, a lot of peace keeping missions.  I was just fine with that.  I nearly talked to him every single day on the phone. My blue tooth was glued to my ear at all times.  Until the day came and I was watching the news.  I never really ever watched the news and tried not to read it online but the media had leaked already that there was an attack and 6 men from the Brigade out of Ft. Riley were killed when insurgents sent rocket propelled grenades over the walls of the base and hit the trailers where the men were sleeping.  Killing 6, wounding several more.  Eventually a 7th would die of his wounds.  I didn't get a phone call the next day.  My heart sunk.  I didn't leave the house for 2 days.  I cried in the shower.  I was scared to answer the door if it was ever to ring.  It was hands down one the most anxious and scared I have ever been to date. Another day went by and I know from experience after that long, no news is good news for our family, atleast.    The following day I received an email from the FRG (Family Readiness Group)  listing casualties and later that day I received an email from Kevin that said something like "I am fine.  I love you very much. I don't know when we'll be able to talk next. I love you." 
That was it.  It was 2 weeks when I finally talked to him again. 
Fast forward to Nov. 2011.  Kevin returned safely to us at Ft. Riley, KS.  It took months for us all to get back in a groove.  Kaelin didn't even know her father. It was so hard for all of us.  Hard for him because he wanted her to love him back so bad and hard for me because I didn't get the "relief or break" I needed from the kids.  Frustration on both our ends when he didn't fix the kids eggs the way they liked them or when he'd go and cut Lauren's food smaller after I had already prepared it because when he left she had just started eating table food and now she was over 2 years old, speaking in full sentences and eating string cheese whole!  Things took time. 
We PCS'd (Permanent Change of Station) to Joint Base Lewis-McChord in May 2012.  We thought life was going to settle down.  For a few months it did.  We got into a groove.  The girls adored their father.  Our relationship was the strongest it's ever been and we thought we were going to be together for the next couple of years.  We had come so close and then the rug was pulled out from underneath us in October 2012 that Kevin would be deploying to Afghanistan in just 3 short weeks for a 9 month tour.  I was devastated.  He was devastated.  I have never seen him so upset in my entire life.  It was hard because he had such a personal relationship now with our daughters.  They are growing and talking in full sentences and telling him they love him and giving him kisses.  Stuff he so longed for the first month that he was home after Iraq.  He had everything and felt like it was being taken away.  He felt like he was letting us all down.  He still does feel that way.
While it seems crazy and insane that we go through all of this, I wouldn't do it with anyone else.  God based our relationship for the first almost 2 years strictly on communication and long distance.  We thought once we said "I do" that it would "fix" everything but that was just the beginning. 

So now I hold on to what I can to get through each day.  I hold on to this picture and pray every day that God brings him home safely to us. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Over 2 months...

It's been over 2 months since I last posted. I've really been at a loss of what to write on here.  I was tired of writing about my weight. 
I was tired of that defining me and this blog. 
I didn't want to sulk and have a pity party about Kevin being deployed again...because that's not me either.  Although it royally sucks.  BIG TIME. 

I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. Good and Bad.  I'm really starting to mature and feel confident with myself and who I am and continue to become.  In no particular order...

1.I have learned that it's okay to ask for help. 
2.I have learned that it's okay to eat 3/4 of a tombstone pizza on my own while watching reality t.v. as long as it is not something I do everyday.   :-) 
3.I have learned that God is who I should turn to first.  Some many things have become clear in these last few months despite all of the muck going on and I have so much to be thankful for!  Have you prayed about something as much as you have talked about it?
4.I have learned that laundry will never ever be "caught up"..if it is, it's only for a few hours until we take our clothes off again. 
5.I have learned that it's easiest to stay caught up on laundry is doing a small load everyday. 
6.I have learned that #5 isn't going to happen everyday..I'm already 3 days behind. 
7.  I have learned that I enjoy exercising and when I don't, my mood and appetite and everything changes for the day, and not in a good way. 
8.  I have learned that I don't have to be perfect for Kevin.  He's been saying it to me for years.  He doesn't want me perfect that he loves me the way I am. 
I am finally at a point now where I look back and wonder why I stressed so much about having a clean house and dinner on the table and then snapped and snarked with him because I was so stressed.  Going forward none of the other stuff matters except for us and our relationship.  Our relationship is not based off of whether our floors are mopped or not. 
9. I love crocheting -  If we are friends on Facebook or Instagram.  You have seen that I have been keeping my hands busy. 
10.  I have learned that I don't enjoy blogging all that much.  I have so many other things going on and this is always the thing to take a back seat.  I'm okay with that too.  I'm not on here to have as many followers as possible.  I've only checked my traffic a handful of times, and I just find facebook and instagram easier and I can reach a bigger crowd with my short updates and pictures of our lives. 

Anyways...I'll be back when I'm back.  Whenever that may be!  I'm not guaranteeing a weekly weigh-in or recipe or update on every single thing we do.  BUT when I do feel like venting or unloading or sharing.  This is where I will go. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Weekly weigh-in


This will be short and sweet. I am a few days behind. Sorry!  Yes, I am down weight but no I have not been working out.  Maybe my body needed the rest??  Not sure.  I did see my Dr. today as a follow up for the anxiety I have been experiencing and she's insistent on exercise being part of my daily treatment plan. It's not just a suggestion, She is saying it's my prescription.  That's a little kick in the butt that I need to get back in the groove.  It will help pass the hours while Kevin is gone too.  I'm thinking about switching to evenings at the gym.  Not sure.  Evenings will be the hardest to be home once he's deployed. 
I miss exercising too. I can tell my body misses it too.  My body is aching just because it's not stretched out and warmed up much lately. 
Any ways! 

Starting weight:  222lbs
Current weight:  203.6lbs
Total weight loss: 18.4lbs
Weight loss to go:  33.6lbs

Have a great week! 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The post I've been dreading to write...

We received news last Tuesday that Kevin's dwell time is being "involuntarily waived" and he will be deploying to Afghanistan in a few weeks for 9 months. 
I went through all stages of change in the first 24 hours.  My eyes were nearly swollen shut last Wednesday.  My plans are to stay here in Washington during this deployment.  I know some don't understand and wonder why I wouldn't want to move home and my answer is: STABILITY. 
Stability is something that isn't always bountiful as a military family but we find stability where we can.  Stability for my my sake means staying put even if I may be more lonely than if I would have gone to Illinois or Minnesota. I'm tired of traveling.  I just want to stay put for a while.  I appreciate so much family coming to visit us.  We do get home when we can and it may not be as often as some would like but we do what we can when we can and what is best for us. 
In all honesty, I'm just tired right now but no means defeated.  I know we WILL get through this.  God has a plan for us.  It's hard to understand what it might be right now, but I find comfort in knowing that He is in control.  So I ask that you keep us in your prayers.  I ask that you keep Kevin in your thoughts and prayers as he is taking it extra hard this time. Pray for his safety and a safe return to us next fall.    I also ask that you pray for me and the girls. This will be an adjustment this time around.  They will notice more this time than last that he is not here.  They will most likely deal with some separation anxiety.  It's going to be a whole new experience for us even though we've been through it before.  Pray for my strength and for me to ask for help when I need it.  Pray for family and friends to be understanding and supportive even if it is from a distance.  Remember it doesn't matter where I am living.  I just want him to be here.  I'll be missing him no matter where I'm at. 
Also, please don't say to be "You signed up for this life"  =  I am very aware of that but it still doesn't make these times easier. 
I will keep you all posted as time goes on and I know that I can lean on you all for support! 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Things my kids say...

Lauren:  Mom, I need to change my underpants.
Me:  Did you have an accident?
Lauren:  No, I just got some toot on it. 

Driving down the road and we saw a car with University of North Dakota Plates and Kevin yelled
Kaelin then yelled : Hi Sue, Sue come back! Hi Sue!!!


Me:  Lauren, quit kicking the door!
Lauren:  I'm not! I'm just knocking with my feet!


While watching the X Factor or the Voice

Kaelin:  That's terrible!  or Bravo! 
(She really loves music) 


While taking out my contacts: 

Lauren:  Mom why are you taking out your eyeballs?