The day came and went.  It was all so surreal.  I still am in denial.  Maybe it's because I am still able to text him as long as he is in the states.  I am somewhat in the anger stage because they made me drop him off at 5pm for a midnight flight and then ended up not leaving until 3am.  Angry because I left, not knowing that I could have stayed there with him for a while longer because of the later flight, and upset that he never called me to come back because he didn't want me to have to load up the girls and come back.  But I would have in a heart beat.  Next stop? Maine? Germany? I am not sure.  I don't know if I will hear from him.  I have not deactivated his cell phone yet, in hopes that maybe he will have a layover out east and I will get to talk to him again.  After that I am not sure how long it will be before we get to talk to him.  It takes time to get things set up, get internet into the room, get settled, unloaded etc.  I set him up a Skype account before he left. We are so lucky to live in an age of technology where seeing each other half a world a way is possible! I plan on getting him a Skype phone number so he can call us when he has down time and don't have to worry about being in front of the computer all of the time.  I am going to miss him so much. 

It breaks my heart when Lauren walks from room to room saying "dadda, dadda" or when she found his favorite Minnesota Twins - Joe Maurer shirt on my bed and carried it around for a good ten minutes, dragging it like her blankie, saying "dadda, dadda".  It hurts to know that Kaelin won't really know her daddy the first year of her life.  Maybe it's a good thing though the kids are so young.   They don't know what is going on.  I know Lauren will be excited to see Kevin on Skype and when he comes home, but there will be that distance with Kaelin, because he will be so much of a stranger.  I pray that they can develop a strong bond like he and Lauren have, when he gets back.  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  I have this constant struggle going on inside of me.  My head says " There is nothing you can do about the situation, so suck it up and be strong" ...but my heart just hurts and sometimes I just cry, for no reason other than I think about him.  I can't think and countdown a year, it seems too long.  I am going to have to count down in small amounts to get through the year.  365 days sounds too long, but 15 days til Thanksgiving, then 30 days til Christmas, then 7 days til New Years ..and so on.  Marking the milestones one by one, instead of overlooking them for the whole year. 

So now begins another journey in my life.  My year as a yellow ribbon wife.....