Long time no post...

First of all, I would just like to apologize to my readers, if I still actually have any. the last few months have flown by and I suppose that is a good thing with Kevin gone. I'm not going to lie and say that it's all been wonderful because it hasn't. I don't know how I lasted a year last deployment because its only been 6 months and I'm about to lose my mind. I'm thankful that I got away for nearly a month and went back to Illinois. I was ready and anxious to come back to Washington and now I am just waiting for Kevin to come home. I haven't heard from Kevin and nearly 10 days and its driving me absolutely nuts. I find myself just stopping to pray for his safety.I feel like I have a constant knot in my stomach.  All I want to do is just hear his voice. my nights are sleepless because I'm constantly waking up checking my phone. every email that comes through I pray that it's him, everything Facebook notifications everytime my phone rings I just pray that it's something from him and it hasn't been yet. they always say that no news is good news. As long as you aren't getting a phone call saying he's injured or notification officers aren't at your door and everything is fine.. I just wish it was that easy. I know I should place it all on God ..my heart just hurts I just miss my best friend.
In all honesty my distance from the blog has been because I don't want to feel like I'm complaining and I don't want a pity party. its not what I'm looking for but this is my real life and this is what I'm feeling. some say that I'm strong and they don't know how I do it. I do it because I married Kevin. I didn't marry the Army. It just comes with the package. We adjust to make our life the way it is as would any of you if in this situation. You would do it and you could do it. I am nothing special. there are many more men and women out there with far greater trouble than what I have. I have to constantly remind myself of that. all I'm asking of you is that you continue to pray for us. pray for Kevin and that he is returning home safely very soon.

Holding on

I hold on to every photo that I see of him on Facebook.

I hold on to every time I see the green dot telling me he's available to chat. 
I hold on to every time my phone rings and it says "Kevin Afghanistan"
I hold on to every "I love you, baby"

Tonight I was putting away clothes in our dresser and I realized. I haven't even opened his side of the dresser since he left in November.  So I did.  And with it I opened up the flood gates of tears.  Everything is right as it was when he left.  His underwear and socks fully stocked because I'm not having to play catch up with his laundry too.  Everything is ready for him to be home.  Where he belongs. 

We started dating in Jan. 2007.   So we have been together around 6 years.  That is  73 months.  We have physically only been together for  38 months of that.   A little over 50% of the last 6 years.  3 years that we have been apart. 
I think God prepared us for this way back in 2007.  We started our relationship and grew our relationship solely on communication.  Phone calls, emails, instant messenger.  We were tired of that life.  We were tired of being apart.  We got married in Nov. 2008 and at this time Kevin was out of Active Duty and was part of the Minnesota National Guard.  A few months later we found out we were pregnant with Lauren. Lauren was born in August 2009.  Kevin decided that year to go back to Active Duty.  He wanted to provide better for our family.  We prayed a lot about it.  It was hard for me to accept.  I would have to leave the first job that I absolutely loved in Minnesota.  I loved being a dental hygienist.
January2010:  A month after Kevin signed his contract to re-enlist, we found out we were pregnant with Kaelin. What were we going to do? Lauren was only 4 months old!  Kevin left a week later for Ft. Riley, KS.  I was in Minnesota without him,  with a 4 month old baby, just a few weeks pregnant (in secret still), finishing off my last week of work, arranging appointments with movers, getting everything ready and off and on puking ...again in secret.  We were apart about 2 weeks then.  We got to Ft. Riley, moved into a house that he picked out and I had never seen. We sat on the floor and slept on air mattresses for a couple of days until the moving truck arrived with all of our belongings.  We were told he wouldn't be deploying.  The unit he was joining had only been home for 4 short months. I felt like I could breath a sigh of relief.  The next few months flew by.  I learned that Kevin was on Army time.  Supper time was not at 5:30 every night.  Supper was when he got home and that was 6pm, 8pm, 10pm or not at all.  I saw him for a few short hours every evening and then he was off to bed early because 4:30am comes quite early.
We found out in June that he would be deploying to Iraq in November 2010 for 12 months.  In August of 2010 he left for a month to do training in Louisiana.  He arrived home 3 days before I gave birth to Kaelin.  When Kaelin was 7 weeks old and Lauren 14 months, we sent Kevin off with his unit to fight in Operation New Dawn formerly known as Operation Iraqi Freedom.  This was Kevin's second deployment.  His first was before we were married.  It was also to Iraq for 16 months. 
Praising God that he came home safe to us.  Praising God for the technology that we have today that we could chat.  It was a slow deployment, or so he told me.  They didn't do much but prepare for the troop drawdown.  They closed a lot of bases, did a lot of inventory, a lot of peace keeping missions.  I was just fine with that.  I nearly talked to him every single day on the phone. My blue tooth was glued to my ear at all times.  Until the day came and I was watching the news.  I never really ever watched the news and tried not to read it online but the media had leaked already that there was an attack and 6 men from the Brigade out of Ft. Riley were killed when insurgents sent rocket propelled grenades over the walls of the base and hit the trailers where the men were sleeping.  Killing 6, wounding several more.  Eventually a 7th would die of his wounds.  I didn't get a phone call the next day.  My heart sunk.  I didn't leave the house for 2 days.  I cried in the shower.  I was scared to answer the door if it was ever to ring.  It was hands down one the most anxious and scared I have ever been to date. Another day went by and I know from experience after that long, no news is good news for our family, atleast.    The following day I received an email from the FRG (Family Readiness Group)  listing casualties and later that day I received an email from Kevin that said something like "I am fine.  I love you very much. I don't know when we'll be able to talk next. I love you." 
That was it.  It was 2 weeks when I finally talked to him again. 
Fast forward to Nov. 2011.  Kevin returned safely to us at Ft. Riley, KS.  It took months for us all to get back in a groove.  Kaelin didn't even know her father. It was so hard for all of us.  Hard for him because he wanted her to love him back so bad and hard for me because I didn't get the "relief or break" I needed from the kids.  Frustration on both our ends when he didn't fix the kids eggs the way they liked them or when he'd go and cut Lauren's food smaller after I had already prepared it because when he left she had just started eating table food and now she was over 2 years old, speaking in full sentences and eating string cheese whole!  Things took time. 
We PCS'd (Permanent Change of Station) to Joint Base Lewis-McChord in May 2012.  We thought life was going to settle down.  For a few months it did.  We got into a groove.  The girls adored their father.  Our relationship was the strongest it's ever been and we thought we were going to be together for the next couple of years.  We had come so close and then the rug was pulled out from underneath us in October 2012 that Kevin would be deploying to Afghanistan in just 3 short weeks for a 9 month tour.  I was devastated.  He was devastated.  I have never seen him so upset in my entire life.  It was hard because he had such a personal relationship now with our daughters.  They are growing and talking in full sentences and telling him they love him and giving him kisses.  Stuff he so longed for the first month that he was home after Iraq.  He had everything and felt like it was being taken away.  He felt like he was letting us all down.  He still does feel that way.
While it seems crazy and insane that we go through all of this, I wouldn't do it with anyone else.  God based our relationship for the first almost 2 years strictly on communication and long distance.  We thought once we said "I do" that it would "fix" everything but that was just the beginning. 

So now I hold on to what I can to get through each day.  I hold on to this picture and pray every day that God brings him home safely to us. 

The post I've been dreading to write...

We received news last Tuesday that Kevin's dwell time is being "involuntarily waived" and he will be deploying to Afghanistan in a few weeks for 9 months. 
I went through all stages of change in the first 24 hours.  My eyes were nearly swollen shut last Wednesday.  My plans are to stay here in Washington during this deployment.  I know some don't understand and wonder why I wouldn't want to move home and my answer is: STABILITY. 
Stability is something that isn't always bountiful as a military family but we find stability where we can.  Stability for my my sake means staying put even if I may be more lonely than if I would have gone to Illinois or Minnesota. I'm tired of traveling.  I just want to stay put for a while.  I appreciate so much family coming to visit us.  We do get home when we can and it may not be as often as some would like but we do what we can when we can and what is best for us. 
In all honesty, I'm just tired right now but no means defeated.  I know we WILL get through this.  God has a plan for us.  It's hard to understand what it might be right now, but I find comfort in knowing that He is in control.  So I ask that you keep us in your prayers.  I ask that you keep Kevin in your thoughts and prayers as he is taking it extra hard this time. Pray for his safety and a safe return to us next fall.    I also ask that you pray for me and the girls. This will be an adjustment this time around.  They will notice more this time than last that he is not here.  They will most likely deal with some separation anxiety.  It's going to be a whole new experience for us even though we've been through it before.  Pray for my strength and for me to ask for help when I need it.  Pray for family and friends to be understanding and supportive even if it is from a distance.  Remember it doesn't matter where I am living.  I just want him to be here.  I'll be missing him no matter where I'm at. 
Also, please don't say to be "You signed up for this life"  =  I am very aware of that but it still doesn't make these times easier. 
I will keep you all posted as time goes on and I know that I can lean on you all for support! 
-Kristen 

Airshow

Girls and I in front of a Navy plane. 

 We recently had the privilege of attending a FREE airshow put on at Joint Base Lewis-McChord.  The entire event was free to the public and it was a blast.  We also had the chance to go the night before for a "Hangar party" for military families only.  They fed us supper, had a band, several booths set up and some even met the pilots!  I would have to say this was one of the best times we have had as a family.  The girls absolutely loved it and Kevin and I enjoyed it too!
We are just so thankful for the opportunities that are presented to us, especially ones that are FREE!  You can't beat that. 

C-17  - these planes are so huge!  It's so exciting that we actually get to see these fly at least 2-3 times a week.  Living near the airbase is so awesome! 

The girls inside a Stryker vehicle.  This is the vehicle that Kevin's unit uses. 

Lauren piloting a Blackhawk helicopter. 

She loved it.  Can you tell? 

This moment was truly amazing.  This parachuter jumped, carrying the flag during the playing of the National Anthem.  Still brings tears to my eyes. Loved it. 

Army Golden Knights Parachute team

Golden Knights

Golden Knights

Stealth bomber

Super sleepy girls.  It was actually a warm day (for here) and we were out in the sun for about 6 hours.  The girls were pooped! 

Here are a few videos of the airshow.  Some of the acts just took our breath away.  They are at the beginning of the post.  Sorry! 

Day 2: Words

 

I walked around the house this morning looking at various pictures, signs, decor, calendars.  Wondering what I was going to do for Day 2: Words.  I turned the corner to the living room and my eyes caught these wooden blocks.  These wooden blocks are our family.  We are a proud Army Family. 

Unless you are a Military Family, you might not understand the pride that comes along with being a part of this "club".  As a spouse, I didn't know that when I married my amazing husband that me and the girls would be a part of his sacrifice.  I suppose I should say I didn't understand fully the greatness of our sacrifice.  I didn't know that the military life would be so difficult, so painful, so joyful and most definitely meaningful. 
We don't wear medals , we don't get the glory and we don't hold rank.  We hold down the fort and we stay strong and stay by our soldiers side. 
It was often said to me and still is.  " I don't know how you do it".  I never knew what to say except maybe a small shrug of my shoulders and a response of "I just do."  Sounds simple and honestly supporting the man that I love, the father of my children, the soldier really is simple.  He has his mission and I have mine. 
Have you ever read the Army Code of Conduct?  I hadn't either until this last week.  I have been reading a book titled "1001 things to love about Military Life"  In it, it broke down the 6 articles of the Army Code of Conduct.  After reading, I gained a greater respect not only for my husband, but for all military persons serving our country.  Seeing the extent of what my husband and others VOLUNTARILY sacrifice for our country makes me nothing but PROUD. 

Military Code Of Conduct The Code of Conduct is a six-article code that provides general guidelines for the daily conduct of all United States military personnel. It is especially applicable at times of war or imprisonment.

(1) I am an American, fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense  (2) I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist (3) If I am captured, I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy. (4) If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me, and will back them up in every way (5) When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give only my name, rank, service number, and date of birth.  I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability.  I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to  their cause. (6) I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America.

Homecoming: Part Two

Let me back up just a bit.. I forgot to mention before that I never did get the 72 hour phone call telling me that Kevin was on his way!  Apparently the Rear Detachment "forgot" about me, or overlooked me.  Luckily I have connections and called the Rear D and pretended that I had a missed call from them.  After they verified who I was, the released the information to me.  Thankfully there is a redeployment hotline, because the Rear D "forgot" about me again when they give the courtesy 24 call. Me being upset is quite an understatement, I was darn right PO'd.  I waited for 12 months for that call and then NOTHING.  Thank goodness that I was not still back in Illinois relying on that phone call to make the trip back to KS to pick Kevin up.  I had half a mind to throw a fit, but I knew it wasn't going to make me feel any better.  Because of ME being proactive in the days prior, I had his flight number and I'd just continue to check the hotline. 
Like I had said in the previous post, he arrival was delayed by about 12 hours. Originally the ceremony was scheduled for 10pm on Sunday night.  They have suggested in order to get a seat at the ceremony to arrive 2 hours prior to the scheduled ceremony time. They also suggest this because at this point, the soldiers are already at the Army post, signing in, turning in weapons etc...If they happen to be finished early with their tasks at hand, they will not sit around and just wait until the scheduled time. If it is within the 2hr time frame, they will just go ahead and start. 

The day before his scheduled arrival, I found out via hotline, that his arrival was going to be delayed by approx. 12 hours.  At first I was not very happy.  I had been counting the months, weeks, days, and now mere hours until I was going to have him in my arms and now it was delayed AGAIN! 



Honestly it was for the best. I never was too thrilled about a 10pm ceremony in the first place. I knew that I'd have very cranky kids that were ready for bed. God knew what he was doing and the ceremony was now planned for Monday at 11am.




We arrived at 8:55am...the parking lots were already starting to fill up.  Thankfully we were able to get seats in the front row of chairs.  The girls were able to run around and play.  They even had a little room with cookies and juice.  Lauren loved to run in and out of the flags.  They were great for the first hour or so, but after that they were antsy, ready for naps and down right getting cranky.  We had less than an hour before we'd get to see Kevin...or so we thought. Once again we were told they were going to be slightly delayed......

To be continued....

Homecoming: Part One

The day has finally came and went! It went by all so fast but so slow at the same time!  The few days before, I was a bundle of nerves.  Bundle of nerves is an understatement. I was a wreck. I was nervous, scared, excited, happy, etc etc..  As with anything with the Army..things ALWAYS change.  As the weeks went by and the end of the deployment ended, the final date changed at least 4 times. Shoot, it even changed within the last 48 hours.  He originally was supposed to be home on Sunday night around 10pm but on Saturday around noon we found out that we were not going to be seeing him until Monday morning...my heart sank...but after my initial "down" time, I came to accept that God knew what was best for our family and for all of the other soldiers.  Monday morning is what it was going to be...but now I had 2 more days to wait! AHHHH!!!

To be continued.......

(The pictures above were taken after we found out that Kevin had landed in the states, but we had not been reunited at that time.)

Let Freedom Ring

This is a few weeks late but I still wanted to share our Independence Day with you.  This is such a special day for us, as it should be for all Americans.  We are just so proud Kevin.  There is something so special about having a true American hero as a father and husband.  Unless you are a military child or spouse or parent etc, you may not fully grasp what fighting for our freedom means. 
I so wish Kevin could have been here to see his little firecrackers.  They were just too cute as always.  We spent the week at my parents lakehouse.  It's always so nice and relaxing.  The girls love swimming and playing outside.  I enjoyed the nice break from the everyday 'blah' that can occur when staying home with the kids everyday...

Lauren 22 months

Kaelin 10 months

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flag Day

Happy Flag Day, and Happy 236th Birthday to the United States Army.

Visit this site via Taste of home.  For every person that views the recipe, Taste of Home will donate 10 cents to the USO up to $100,000 !!! 


10 cents may not seem like a lot but 10 cents allows a deployed soldier to call home and speak to their loved one for free.  Those 2 minutes are a little slice of heaven for the soldier and their families.  So click away please and pass it on!!

http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/Flag-Cake?keycode=ZUSOFB

A moment of silence...

Tonight, after my Zumba class, I was talking to the owner of the gym I go to.  She has been so helpful and encouraging to me.  The gym is my place to go and unwind after a long day with the kids, and I am so thankful that I found Fitness Connexion.  The owner, Eren, was chatting with me as I punched my contest card and she said that her 4th grader and 2nd grader had asked her earlier in the week what a moment of silence was.  She explained to them, that a moment of silence is when we sit quietly and think of someone or something in remembrance or to honor them.  She asked her sons why they were asking this question.  They told her that everyday at school, they have a moment of silence for our  troops that are serving overseas.  She told her sons that she knew of two ladies from the gym whose husband (mine) and son were currently serving in Iraq.  She then asked her sons if there was something specific that they could do for my husband and her son during that time of silence and they said they would like to pray for them.   Eren then asked me for my husbands name so that her sons and her family could pray for Kevin.
At this point, I was standing at the front desk, wiping away tears.  An 8 year old and a 6 year old little boy have taken the time this week to pray specifically for my husband.  I can't even explain how amazing it was to hear her say that her family prays for us.  They don't even know Kevin, or really me for that matter except for checking in at the desk and an occasional conversation and yet, we are a part of their everyday lives in thought and prayer. 

I thought I was missing Kansas...

Lately I have been saying that I really miss Kansas.  I would be asked why and my answers made me really think.  It was not Kansas that I was missing but everything that Kansas symbolized to me. 

Kansas was where Kevin, Lauren and I became a family.  Kansas was home.  

"Home is where the Army sends us." 

Kansas was where I had the deepest, darkest saddest time of my life to date.  

Kansas is where my husband held my hand as I told the doctor I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling.  

Kansas is where I got better and learned to love life and love myself and explore new adventures with my family.  

Kansas is where I fell in love with Kevin all over again.  It is where I really took note of the amazing husband and father and soldier that he really is.  

Kansas is where I met some amazing friends.  There is nothing quite like your fellow military wives.  As the saying goes "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold"

My Battle Buddies were women that I could go to that had, between them all, experienced pretty much everything that I was worried, scared, nervous about. 

Kansas is where we welcome our sweet, Kaelin to our family. 

 Kansas was where Kevin and I first relied completely on each other to make this marriage, family life, army life, work.  We only had each other.  Our love grew stronger and stronger.  

It is still growing stronger and strong every single day that we are apart.  

So I really didn't miss Kansas...well I shouldn't say that.  The Flint Hills are so beautiful.  

I just really miss our whole family unit being together.  I miss hearing the car door shutting and the sound of the keys in the door and Lauren running towards the door for her dad.  I miss the sound of my blackberry messenger on the phone.  I always knew it was Kevin texting, he was the only one who would bbm me.  I miss making dinner together, getting excited to eat at our favorite places, weekend road trips to Kansas City, good night kisses, good morning kisses.  I just miss Kevin.

Not Kansas....

Yellow Ribbon Christmas

Yellow Ribbon Christmas

by Kristen Erickson

Christmas, this year, is not like before.
My dearest soldier is gone and fighting a war.

I anxiously wait for a letter or phone call.
But he works everyday, and some days we hear nothing at all.

The children, so innocent, they miss him so
And, oh how I wish I could kiss him under the mistletoe.

The presents, I wrapped, and labeled from him.
Thanks to technology, he was able to watch as they opened them.

It’s still not the same, most will not understand.
But as a military family, we sacrifice for this great land.

I don’t need jewelry or other fancy things.
I am always the happiest when the phone rings.

We talk about our day, we laugh and we cry.
Christmas seems no different than the other days that have gone by.

We keep our faith in the Lord, He’ll never astray.
He sent his son for us, and we celebrate Him on this day.

The presents have been opened and now the kids are asleep.
I lay here in bed, and my eyes begin to weep.

A great day was had, filled with the ones I hold dear.
But my love, my soldier, is the one I want here.
 

© Poem "Yellow Ribbon Christmas" Kristen Erickson 2010

One month down

WOOOHOOO!! Today marks one month since Kevin left for Iraq.  There have been ups and downs but we are all doing great.  It helps that we get to talk to him almost everyday via MSN messenger, Skype or phone calls.  I think it definitely helps my sanity to be able to talk to him.  I don't know if it will always be like this, but for now, I will take what I can get and be perfectly happy with it.  Everyone says the first two weeks are the hardest. I would have to agree. Adjusting to him not coming home at night, crying every time Lauren would say dadda, crying myself to sleep.  Things are slowly getting easier.  My heart still hurts because I want him here but my head knows there is nothing I could do that would bring him here right now.  I can't remember the last time I sobbed...that's a good thing right?  I still tear up every so often when I see things like families picking out their Christmas tree, or decorating or sledding.  I think this is all perfectly normal to feel this way.  At least that is what Kevin is telling me.  He is my biggest encourager.  I couldn't do this without him, and ironically I wouldn't be in the situation without him.  God sure knew what he was doing when he brought us together.  We are made for each other.  I'm the storm, he's the calm..and it all works out in the end.
So, yes, one month down, and 11 more to go.  I do get to see him mid tour sometime, so it's nice to break up the entire 12 months. 
Please continue to pray for his safety and well being, as well as the other soldiers overseas in all areas of the world.

The day came and went.  It was all so surreal.  I still am in denial.  Maybe it's because I am still able to text him as long as he is in the states.  I am somewhat in the anger stage because they made me drop him off at 5pm for a midnight flight and then ended up not leaving until 3am.  Angry because I left, not knowing that I could have stayed there with him for a while longer because of the later flight, and upset that he never called me to come back because he didn't want me to have to load up the girls and come back.  But I would have in a heart beat.  Next stop? Maine? Germany? I am not sure.  I don't know if I will hear from him.  I have not deactivated his cell phone yet, in hopes that maybe he will have a layover out east and I will get to talk to him again.  After that I am not sure how long it will be before we get to talk to him.  It takes time to get things set up, get internet into the room, get settled, unloaded etc.  I set him up a Skype account before he left. We are so lucky to live in an age of technology where seeing each other half a world a way is possible! I plan on getting him a Skype phone number so he can call us when he has down time and don't have to worry about being in front of the computer all of the time.  I am going to miss him so much. 

It breaks my heart when Lauren walks from room to room saying "dadda, dadda" or when she found his favorite Minnesota Twins - Joe Maurer shirt on my bed and carried it around for a good ten minutes, dragging it like her blankie, saying "dadda, dadda".  It hurts to know that Kaelin won't really know her daddy the first year of her life.  Maybe it's a good thing though the kids are so young.   They don't know what is going on.  I know Lauren will be excited to see Kevin on Skype and when he comes home, but there will be that distance with Kaelin, because he will be so much of a stranger.  I pray that they can develop a strong bond like he and Lauren have, when he gets back.  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  I have this constant struggle going on inside of me.  My head says " There is nothing you can do about the situation, so suck it up and be strong" ...but my heart just hurts and sometimes I just cry, for no reason other than I think about him.  I can't think and countdown a year, it seems too long.  I am going to have to count down in small amounts to get through the year.  365 days sounds too long, but 15 days til Thanksgiving, then 30 days til Christmas, then 7 days til New Years ..and so on.  Marking the milestones one by one, instead of overlooking them for the whole year. 

So now begins another journey in my life.  My year as a yellow ribbon wife.....